Should I Get Back With My Ex? 4 Essential Things to Consider Before You Reconsider

As a licensed therapist and couples counselor specializing in relationship reconciliation for over 20 years, the chances of exes reconnecting dominates extensive territory in my practice. I guide countless clients like Emma sorting through confusion when an ex-lover unexpectedly reappears in their lives – either in person or more recently via social media – awakening nostalgia’s thorny vines that simultaneously spell romantic opportunity yet unresolved heartache.

Emma tearfully recounted:

“After 2 years split, my ex David called proposing meeting up while he was traveling through town for work. Instantly all those warm fuzzy feelings remembering our effortless witty banter and passionate sensual chemistry came flooding back…especially from happier periods early on. His confident charm and sexy smile always magnetized my soul. But didn’t ongoing tensions around money plus communication breakdowns ultimately erode our foundation irreparably right when we were shopping for rings? Now doubts plague me whether this time could somehow prove different or if I’m conveniently viewing our past with rose-colored glasses…risking re-opening healing wounds.”

This archetypal push/pull plagues most human psyche’s when an appealing ex pops up again – now supposedly transformed into the ideal partner we once dreamed they could become.

Like split-apart jigsaw pieces from childhood puzzles, we hope time now finally mends broken bits permitting a seamless reunification. Perhaps enough seasons passed for both spirits to evolve positively? Could leftover love finally bloom unfettered with interfering weeds like restlessness, financial fights or trust issues fully plucked out?

But without cautious discernment blind optimism backfires brutally. Rather than eagerly leaping back into the fire of memory’s sweet burn therefore, I strongly encourage clients to pause for essential self-reflection through pivotal questions before making brash judgments.

Should you meet your ex requesting another chance? Before responding impulsively, consider:

Carefully Remembering Why You Originally Broke Up

Rather than purchased gifts, I prescribe ex-partners exchange detailed written reports reminding themselves brutally specifically why their relationship originally ruptured before rendezvousing romantically again.

• Interrogate what tangible evidence convincingly demonstrates genuine change occurred in the interim? Pretty promises or excuses mean little without actual behavioral shifts and emotional growth demonstrated over time plus clear communication directly addressing elephants still likely crowding rooms when exes reunite awkwardly at first. Vague vows to miraculously improve fall flat absent understanding core vulnerabilities undermining things from the inside previously that require courage to face.

Reality-checking the past relationship with mature eyes intentionally focused on limitations versus fantasies helps avoid awakening to same deal breakers that originally drove you apart.

Removing Rose-Colored Glasses to Assess History Honestly

Under nostalgia’s wonderfully tempting influence, our selective brains conveniently condense or entirely forget less-than-wonderful memories churning behind love’s magical curtain before.

Like trudging through five years unequally shouldering domestic duties or child raising burdens while partners disappeared into work as constant emotional abandonment brewed…

Or recall examples like the public arguments at dinner parties resulting friends pitying you or six month sexless droughts between steamy make-up romps rekindling stale intimacy only temporarily until another blow out spotted the sheets again with resentment…

Make lists comparing scales of wonderfully nostalgic memories against recurring destructive conflicts

 Did the good convincingly outweigh the insidious bad by a long shot? Were you just young and naive or truly mistreated, unsupported or disrespected routinely? Be ruthlessly radically honest here or else projections from pretty mirages could derail destiny’s proper alignment.

Verbally walk through specifics around emotional hurts you may still carry or sources of lingering pain 

Rather than conveniently downplay past troubles as “Oh we were just transitioning life stages and now are more mature…” transparently name exact ways the previous relationship repeatedly disappointed you or core needs never got met adequately. This prevents covering only lingering bruises with cheap emotional Band-Aids instead of proper examination and mending procedures still required underneath. v

Shining radical honesty’s luminous spotlight on the nagging shadows also emotionally prepares you to create newly sustainable foundations this time rather than ignorantly constructing similar structures doomed to eventually collapse without proper care again. Because love worth it’s weight expects partners to grow through intimacy, not justify stagnancy staying small to keep the boat afloat.

Envisioning Practical Implications of Logistical Changes

Beyond mere romantic notions projected by emotionally hijacked brains starved for happily ever after, thoughtfully evaluate potential reconciliations along practical growth lines too by asking things like:

• • How might rekindling our past flame impact existing friendships, family relationships if things grow public later? Would they support or object?

• • If cohabitating again, would living compatibly together flow better now considering cleaner habits, clutter tolerances and variable sex drives?

• • With aging or life stage developments, have major priorities, politics or locations dividing us become more aligned or exacerbated?

• • Most critically – what structured agreements or routines do we commit implementing to nurture open dialogue preventing previous communication breakdowns recurring? generic counselor referrals? Designated check-in times? Journaling?

Those downplaying logistics repeatedly or avoiding past grievances through distraction often subconsciously risk reactivating vicious cycles by denying issues still requiring illumination. Thoughtfully map updated agreements towards practicing emotional intimacy differently this time by spotlighting triggers from yesteryear before stumbling backwards uninformed.

Trying Non-Committal Friendship First

Rather than immediately leaping back into the rushing rapids of romantic recollection and familiar attachment unaware:

Casually meet up a few times to reconstitute communication as friends first, without assumptions for physical intimacy

Keep things light re-establishing positive interactions. Notice if presence still feels peaceful or mildly stressful being together after substantial time apart.

Pay attention to current compatibility factors beyond idealistic reminiscing 

Do flowing conversations still come smoothly about more mature present interests and attitudes compared to the past? Can you successfully navigate minor everyday conflicts without excessive dramatic flare ups or defensive stonewalling?

Build trust slowly before assuming previous levels of vulnerability, disclosure and support exist

 Early relationship energy differs vastly from cooperative commitments required to nurture interdependence through harder seasons later. Don’t pretend you automatically pick up where you left off. Emerge cautious as a seedling breaking new ground in spring.

Proceed thoughtfully, informed by hindsight’s wisdom, not handicapped by blind hope it works magically without concentrated efforts. Frame reconnecting as an opportunity experiencing richer intimacy, not desperately chasing past relationship highs.

For you both stand as different people now, shaped by life lessons between. So accord one another patience and grace as familiarity reconstitutes at new altitudes, under new light.

Destiny often delays delivering what the heart yearns for until both souls mature adequately enough to steward sacred gifts with wisdom and gratitude.

Perhaps now you finally arrive as right people, right timing fully aligned by stars and self-work. If so, may reconciling bloom blessings double the sweetness after bitter waiting. This chance wasn’t wasted but fated for now. Savor it fully present to the moment’s preciousness.

But even regarding roads not taken or connections permanently severed by circumstance, mourn lovingly then courageously move forward. Grow your faith by believing everything unfolds to serve awakening adventure however excellent or painful appearing along life’s winding way home. Linger long enough loving eyes will recognize there are no wrong turns, only unexpected treasures of self-discovery always awaiting around next bends.

So breathe deeply and forward boldly trusting not fickle chance but steady wisdom whispered already from within. Destiny arrives precisely according to schedules aligning – no sooner, no later. Listen quietly for maturation signals and intuitive cues regarding when timing beckons you to try courageously again.

Then risk gloriously without regrets either way, unexpectedly falling forward into fortune of fated love finally synchronized or failing fortunes flipped inspiringly towards fresh horizons awaiting your uniquely fearless footsteps! Both outcomes succeed moving transformation forward!