9 Behaviors that Reveal You’ve Given Up on Joy (Even If You Won’t Admit It)

After two decades of working as a psychologist and life coach, I’ve counseled numerous clients who claim to want happiness but engage in behaviors that push it further away. Their actions contradict their stated desires. These clients have essentially surrendered to unhappiness, though they staunchly deny giving up. Through my extensive experience, I’ve identified nine revealing behaviors that signal someone has forsaken the pursuit of happiness without openly acknowledging it.

In this post, I will leverage psychological research and personal client case studies to spotlight key behaviors exhibited by those who have forfeited happiness. We’ll examine the distinctive thought patterns, lifestyle habits, and communication styles that characterize individuals who have passively accepted unfulfillment. Though they maintain an external facade of contentment, internal resignation festers.

By raising awareness of these insider cues, my goal is to empower readers to recognize resignation in themselves or their loved ones. This realization can spark honest conversations and renewed commitment vital for reviving happiness goals. If you notice these behaviors in your own life, take it as a wake-up call – you still have the power to make choices that lead to satisfaction. With authenticity and courage, contentment is within reach. Keep reading to learn the nine behaviors signaling someone has secretly given up on happiness.

1. They’ve lost all ambition

They used to be one of the most passionate people you knew. They used to dream big and talk about how they were going to become a millionaire and marry their soulmate before they hit 30.

But now they seem to have lost that fire! They instead tell you things like “Well…money can’t buy happiness” or “Well, I don’t need love to be happy.” Now you might think that this doesn’t sound at all that bad. Genuine contentment and inner peace are important, after all.

The problem is that they’ve swung to the opposite extreme, and you can tell it’s not because they’ve learned how to BE content. You can tell that deep down, they still want all those things. It’s just that they’ve lost all motivation to keep chasing after them.

2. They feel uncomfortable around happy people

You can feel their mood shift when they overhear good news. They might suddenly stop talking when just moments ago they used to be the biggest chatterbox around.

I was this person a long time ago and my closest friend had a one-on-one talk with me. She said “I can sense that you don’t care for other people’s good news. Are you alright?” That was when I realized just how obvious my unhappiness was. People who have given up on happiness might act like they’ve found contentment, but you can see that they haven’t.

The way they act around happy, successful people betrays what they truly feel. And when I say success I mean success—not just money or career, but also things like love, travel, and doing things one’s passionate about.

3. They only hang out with those who are miserable

This goes hand in hand with the previous one. See, being uncomfortable being with happy and successful people more or less ensures that they’ll hang out with miserable people instead.

Misery loves company, after all. They prefer to just be around people who, like them, have a lot of anger and misery to throw at the world. This is also what I did back when I was at rock bottom. I stayed away from happy people because with my state of mind back then their happiness did nothing but remind me of my misery. But before you feel guilty and think “Oh, I should stop being happy when they’re around”—no.

You’re entitled to your happiness, and while you shouldn’t rub your happiness in their faces, you shouldn’t bury it either. They’ll come around and reconnect with you if you’re a good friend to them anyway.

4. They’ve stopped talking about their goals

They might be perfectly happy to chat with you about light topics like food, hobbies, and the latest movies. But the moment you start talking about your dreams in life and the goals you want to achieve?

They suddenly fall quiet! Sure they might still cheer you on when it’s YOU who’s doing the sharing, but then try changing the topic when it’s their turn. That is to say, they don’t want to talk about their goals at all.

I can relate—I’ve been in that place before, and I always felt annoyed and attacked when my friends asked me things like “So what about your goals? Have you worked on them? Tell me!” So if they say this and especially if they say stuff like “there’s more to life than goals”, then it’s a clear sign that they’ve given up on their happiness.

5. They say “no” to the things 

They used to tell you “I want to become an animator!” all the time. So when you find out that one of the best colleges you know is offering a free public course for future animators, you HAD to tell them about it. Curiously, however, they don’t respond positively. Instead, they just shrug and go “Oh, I’m not sure…”

Something has changed. Is it because they know how underpaid and overworked animators are? Do they think they don’t have what it takes to be an animator? Are they too busy these days to enroll? There are many different possible reasons, and all of them point towards the same thing—they don’t think they’ll ever be happy.

6. They now think happiness is un-important

Their life used to revolve around the pursuit of happiness. They used to wax poetic about happiness and what it takes to be happy. They geek out about it like it’s the most important thing in the world.

But now? They couldn’t care less! They would rather change the topic as soon as they can. They’d rather talk about practical things like work and DIY hacks. They say that in times of great distress, happiness, and sadness is unimportant—only survival.

So if someone you know used to be so into happiness and then suddenly stopped caring, be gentle on them. They’re probably going through something.

7. They’ve stopped working on themselves

One of the most obvious signs that someone is depressed (or at the very least in a very bad state) is that they stop caring for themselves. At first, you might notice that they’d stop exercising or eating healthily.

Eventually, their house becomes an unmanageable mess—a trash dump, even—and they stop caring about their hygiene, diet and looks. This neglect that you can see reflects just how bad they have it in their minds.

They don’t have the energy or the will to keep working on themselves. So if you ever see someone let themselves fall apart, remember to be kind. They’re probably battling with demons that you can’t see.

8. They’re defensive

Ask them about their relationship and you can feel the venom in their voice when they say “We’re fine. Why?!” To you, it was just an innocent question. But from the way they reacted, you could almost imagine that they took it as an attack.

And to people who are at rock bottom, even a simple “how are you?” CAN and WILL feel like personal attacks. They’re so deep in their misery that they’ll think “Isn’t it obvious that I’m not fine? Did you have to rub it in?”People who still believe that they can and will be happy won’t be this defensive.

Instead, they’ll admit “I’m doing quite badly at the moment, I’m afraid” but then say that they’ll pull through anyway.

9. They’re angry and bitter

They used to be a star shimmering with love and joy—optimistic, bright, and cheerful. But now? They might as well be the Grinch. They’re needlessly pessimistic, always seeing and pointing out the negatives in everything they see.

Christmas? What’s this “gift-giving” nonsense? It’s just a holiday meant to drain our wallets. Weddings? Bah, they will divorce anyway. Charity and activism? Why bother? It won’t change the world. This negativity only exists because they genuinely think that happiness is out of reach.

They’re defeated, have accepted that defeat, and believe everyone else should too.