How To Know If You Are Compatible: An Expert Guide on Relationship Compatibility
Do you ever wonder if you and your partner are truly compatible? Figuring out compatibility in a romantic relationship can be tricky. According to my 15 years of experience as a couple’s therapist, compatibility arises from having similar interests, values, communication styles, intimacy priorities, and visions for the future.
However, I’ve helped hundreds of couples enhance their compatibility over time, even when they started out fairly different. The key aspects that contribute the most to relationship compatibility are open communication, empathy, and a shared desire for growth.
In this guide, I will draw from both research and real-world examples to provide you in-depth knowledge on:
- What compatibility truly means
- The major signs that indicate high levels of compatibility
- Ways to proactively evaluate and improve compatibility
Let’s start from the beginning and discuss what we really mean when we say two people are “compatible”.
What Does Compatibility Mean in Relationships?
At the most basic level, compatibility refers to how naturally two people’s personalities, priorities, and habits fit together in a romantic context:
- Personality compatibility: Having similar temperaments, senses of humor, social styles, communication needs, etc. Personality influences behavior and patterns of relating on a daily basis.
- Priority compatibility: Shared vision on ethics, lifestyle factors like city vs rural living, desire for travel or children, ambition levels, spiritual beliefs, politics. Misalignment on priorities commonly leads couples to fight over whose individual needs matter more.
- Habits compatibility: The capacity to seamlessly collaborate on shared habits and responsibilities like household duties, money management, time together vs apart. Incompatible habits tend cause frustration and feelings of unfairness.
Research shows that higher levels of compatibility in these areas leads to:
- Better understanding and communication
- Less arguments and critical comments
- Easier conflict resolution
- A sense of partnership built on mutual consideration and teamwork
That’s why compatibility serves as the foundation for healthy, stable and fulfilling relationships built to stand the test of time. Let’s explore the key signs that indicate strong compatibility:
Major Signs You Are Compatible
1. You Have Open and Honest Communication
My #1 predictor of compatibility is the ability to communicate with openness, honesty and empathy during both calm and difficult conversations. Specifically:
- You feel safe being emotionally vulnerable and expressing your authentic thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears
- You listen without judgement and offer compassion
- You avoid critical comments and shouting matches during disagreements
- You collaborate to find win-win solutions during arguments
For example, John and Emma have been together 5 years. Recently, John considered a career move that would require more travel. Emma felt sad about having less time together and worried she wasn’t John’s priority anymore.
Rather than criticise Emma as needy, John validated her feelings. Together, they brainstormed compromises like scheduling intentional quality time during periods apart. Their empathy and teamwork resolved Emma’s concerns and she became John’s #1 supporter for growth opportunities.
2. You Share Common Interests and Values
While opposites can attract, sharing core interests and values correlates strongly with compatibility:
Interests: Enjoying similar hobbies, events, types of cuisine, travel destinations and entertainment deepens mutual understanding and provides more opportunities for high-quality time together.
For example, Marcus and Nina discovered during their first date a mutual love of Thai food, indie films and hiking. These shared passions continued fueling fun adventures throughout their relationship.
Values: Alignment on ethics, ambition, desire for children, spiritual beliefs, and lifestyle factors like introvert vs extrovert tendencies reduces major conflicts. Mismatched values often lead partners to criticize each other’s core priorities.
Lisa was very family-oriented while her ex-husband Dave prized his independence. Their opposing values resulted in constant fights over where to live, if and when to have children, and appropriate levels of enmeshment with parents and siblings. This incompatibility ultimately ended their marriage.
3. You Have Great Chemistry and Intimacy
While physical attraction fades over time, experiencing strong initial chemistry and satisfying intimacy remains important for relationships to thrive. Signs include:
- Powerful mutual attraction and sensual intimacy
- Enjoying affectionate non-sexual touch and closeness
- Prioritizing intimate encounters to nurture the relationship
For example, the initial infatuation between Sophia and her wife Jenny evolved into deliberate efforts to preserve sensual connection through weekly date nights, flirty text exchanges, and new adventures in the bedroom. Despite busy careers and new parenthood stressors, they devote time for intimacy which provides an important anchor during stormy seas.
4. You Support Each Other’s Growth
Rather than compete or hold each other back, highly compatible partners celebrate individual achievements and encourage dreams. For example:
- Praising accomplishments like degrees and promotions
- Accommodating career moves requiring relocation
- Expressing pride regarding newly developed skills
- Brainstorming collaboratively on business ideas or adventurous long-term goals
Diego landed his dream fellowship across the country shortly after getting engaged to his longtime girlfriend Renee. Despite needing to postpone wedding plans, Renee enthusiastically supported Diego throughout the application process and move. Her secure attachment provided him confidence during a pivotal career opportunity.
5. You Handle Conflict Well
Minor disagreements are inevitable, but how you fight indicates compatibility. Compromising respectfully to resolve conflicts leads to feeling heard, understood, and closer afterwards.
Compatibility markers include:
- Arguing fairly without insults or threats
- Being accountable for your contribution to disputes
- Seeking compromise through open-minded listening
- Offering sincere apologies and forgiveness
Patrick used to storm out after arguments with Chris and withdraw for days. However, after a difficult year requiring major career changes, Patrick learned to engage in conflicts maturely by owning mistakes, validating Chris’s emotions, and suggesting solutions to do better as a team. The new approach strengthened their bond.
6. Your Friends and Family Approve
People close to you provide an outside lens on your compatibility. They notice intimacy dynamics, values alignment, and collaborative habits over time that you may miss when wearing rose-colored glasses. If friends and family also like your partner and support your mutual happiness, it confirms your compatibility.
For example, Vanessa’s parents described Xavier as generous, hard-working and devoted to their daughter. Her best friend often commented on how Xavier brought out Vanessa’s playful, adventurous side. Their loved ones clearly approving the relationship gave both partners confidence they worked well together despite some surface-level differences.
How to Proactively Evaluate Compatibility
Rather than leaving compatibility solely up to fate, you can take proactive measures to assess and strengthen harmonious dynamics from the start:
Take Personality Tests Together
Comparing results from various personality tests like Myers-Briggs, DISC or the Enneagram reveals similarities and differences in relating styles. This allows partners to navigate differences with compassion rather than criticism when inevitable conflicts occur.
For example, Katy (an Enneagram type 3) discovered her partner Ben was a Type 9 who disliked conflict. Katy learned to tone down her argumentative nature which provided more harmony, while Ben became braver asking for his needs.
Discuss Your Must-Haves List
I recommend couples share their “Must-Haves” list – the qualities you consider imperative in a life partner – early on. Reviewing each other’s list together clarifies compatibility or lack thereof before deeper emotional investment occurs.
Must-haves may include:
- Shared desire for children
- Specific spiritual beliefs
- Frequency of sexual encounters
- Preferred home locations
- Ambition and drive levels
- Preference for more spontaneity vs structure
Go Through the “36 Questions That Lead To Love”
This viral series of progressively intimate questions created connection between strangers in a lab experiment. Trying this with a new partner allows you both to establish openness through emotional vulnerability.
Sample questions include:
- Would you like to be famous one day? In what way?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- Tell your partner something you like about them already
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
Comparing your answers reveals compatibility regarding humor, past experiences, aspirations and sensitivity styles.
Observe Day-to-Day Habits and Interactions
Pay attention to how seamlessly you collaborate on shared lifestyle habits like household duties, communication patterns, money management and leisure time preferences. Think about:
- How do you split chores and errands? Is the balance fair?
- How often do you enjoy meals, outings and adventures together vs separately?
- How do you make major purchases? Do your spending styles align?
- Does one partner carry the mental load of managing your social calendar more? Does this cause tension?
Identifying habitual areas of misalignment early allows you to course correct before resentment builds long-term.
Improving Compatibility Over Time
With effort, patience and compassion, partners discover accommodations that enhance compatibility. Strategies to try include:
Improving Communication: Set weekly times to talk where you take turns sharing your thoughts and feelings without interruption from the other. Maintaining openness deepens mutual understanding.
Embracing Differences: Learn what personality traits or behaviors most trigger you in your partner and lean into practicing acceptance. Remember differences likely balance you.
Trying New Things Together: Branch out from your usual comfort zones to attempt fresh activities you both enjoy like couples cooking classes or wilderness camping trips. Shared novel experiences build connection while revealing new compatibility layers.
Learning Love Languages: Discover whether you each prefer physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation or gifts. Then emphasize expressions of love in your partner’s primary love languages.
Seeking Counseling: If you hit roadblocks with communication, intimacy or conflict resolution, meet with a couples therapist. An outside professional helps you gain insight into cycles causing disconnect while guiding you back into alignment.
While achieving 100% compatibility with a partner proves elusive, consciously nurturing connection around your differences substantially improves relationship harmony and happiness.
People Also Ask
How do you know if you are sexually compatible?
Signs of strong sexual compatibility include:
- You feel satisfied by type and frequency of intimate encounters
- Your sex drives align most of the time
- You enjoy affectionate non-sexual physical touch
- You collaboratively communicate about needs and preferences
- You make intimacy a relationship priority
What percentage of compatibility is considered good in a relationship?
No definitive number exists, although experts consider over 70% personality compatibility important for relationship success. Focus more on cultivating openness, self-awareness and compassion than a statistic.
How do you know if you are compatible astrologically?
Compare your full birth charts across categories like moon signs, Venus signs and houses. Seeing alignments around emotional needs, communication approaches or values suggests astrological compatibility.
What are 5 key signs of compatibility in a relationship?
The top signs include:
- Easy, vulnerable communication
- Shared interests and values
- Mutual intimacy priorities
- Support for individual growth
- Constructive conflict resolution
Let me know if you have any other compatibility questions!