Am I in Lust or Love? How to Differentiate Between Magnetic Attraction or Lasting Affection

As a psychologist and couples counselor specializing in unraveling relationship confusion for over 20 years, a common dilemma pervades my therapy practice In this article we will cover the every aspect of Am I in the Lust or Love?

How do you know when passionate chemistry actually indicates meaningful emotional connection versus transitory hormones that fade… leaving partners disillusioned by love that failed to last?

Many clients desperately cling to thrilling new relationships filled with magnetic attraction, delightful intrigue and intoxicating desire. They dance through dreamy dates immersed fully in fantasy, presuming the electrifying excitement reflects destined soulmate connections…

Only to contact me months later feeling shocked when restless lovers leave abruptly once dopamine fades or securing comfortable commitment gets suggested.

They realize too late the difference between being spellbound by ephemeral lust versus grounded in real love’s nourishing nutrients sustaining couples through life’s full banquet – not just delicious appetizers.

My goal today lies in illuminating core differences demystifying lust versus love so you can thoughtfully analyze your unique relationship landscape.

Let’s dive into distinguishing key signals separating fleeting flings from forever bonds.

Defining Characteristics: Lust Seeks Thrills While Love Seeks Understanding

Lust fixates more narrowly on physical/sexual attraction, pursuing pleasure and conquering egos. Dopamine drives risk-taking and impulsivity seeking reward without considering consequences. Excitement and validation get pursued relentlessly.

Whereas Love values emotional intimacy above all – truly knowing, accepting and supporting someone holistically. Love fosters friendship beyond sex and requires integrity. Patience allows trust and commitment to slowly cement. Mature love expects effort and sacrifice fortifying bonds over time more than nonstop amusement.

Now having outlined general defining essences, let’s unpack key areas displaying major differences in behaviors.

Contrasting Timelines: Rapid Fire vs Slow Burn

Lust rushes into intensity rapidly – obsessive infatuation escalates instantly once mutual chemistry locks eyes across the room. Conversation cascades effortlessly for hours. You hang on their every word, flooded with euphoria in their presence, craving perpetual contact hereafter.

But what races forward recklessly often burns out quickly too if other sustaining substances lack because selfishness blocks vulnerable intimacy. When boredom inevitably follows adrenaline’s high, one originally “madly in love” makes excuses to flee feelings suddenly suffocating.

Whereas love’s timeline builds gradually – affection steadily accumulates through implicitly shared experiences facing mundane life motions and meaningful markers side by side. Taking out trash together. Toasting triumphs at work. Attending family baptisms and funerals united. Inherently understanding develops through ups and downs weathered together over time.

Monitor your emotional progression – does passion peak rapidly then wane without deeper relating sustaining fondness or do you increasingly cherish someone feeling like home?

Next let’s evaluate other central elements distinguishing pretenses from authentic everlasting love.

Attention’s Focus Exposes Motivations: Superficial Thrills vs Celebrating Sacred Essence

Lust zooms focus predominately on physical appearance, social accolades and sexual possibility. But love engages someone’s whole multidimensional personhood – understanding dreams, insecurities and eccentricities equally.

Lust values narrow status signals – fixating on sexual attributes, public image, wealth displays. You obsess over their gym-sculpted abs, dazzling smile stopping traffic, designer outfits drawing compliments, luxury car and lavish vacations photographed for social media envy. Do others respect them? What impresses friends on the surface? Shallow symbols of marketable success and social climbing consume conscious mental space when evaluating potential partners.

Whereas love cherishes complete soul essence – fully embracing idiosyncrasies, wounds and secret aspirations orbiting their inner sun. You admire their cooking ritual dancing to a special song, find their snorting laugh darling, tear up witnessing their grief over childhood pains. You engage their soul’s viewpoint without judgement. Rather than critique their style, you intuit their dreams and bolster their talents because falling in love intertwines one’s essential personhood.

As the Japanese proverb instructs “See heaven glazed in their eyes” before pursuing paradise in partnership. Appraise if you see beyond packaging into purpose.

Decision-Making Lenses Highlight Control Forces

Self-gratification drives choices made under lust’s spell while sober love considers ethical context and a partner’s needs seriously.

Lust decides impulsively

You suggest spontaneous luxuries and risqué adventures without weighing cost, catering to selfish cravings for novelty, prestige and pleasure in the moment. This narrow decision lens scans environments seeking ego boosts and excitement to benefit oneself predominantly.

Love decides considerately

You carefully evaluate activities and commitments – even sacrifices – upholding mutual moral standards and tending your partner’s comfort zone, not just fixating on personal passions alone. Love represents a dance between individual and collective thriving. Unselfish discernment nourishes healthy roots for bonds blossoming decades to come.

As your choices unfold, monitor who gets priority and at what cost to guide clarity.

Support Levels Measure Sustainable Investment

The type of support displayed also exposes flings rooted in fantasies versus relationships offering reliable refuge through life’s wilderness.

Lust inconsistently supports others

You half-listen distractedly, impatient to interject or redirect conversations towards more intellectually stimulating subjects. Support wanes quickly once initial conquests conclude and captivation fades. Partners get traded in rather upgraded through effort over time.

Love sustains consistent selfless support 

You offer undivided non-judgmental encouragement, stepping up sensitively even during their darkest hours with loyal nurturing care and good-natured humor precisely when most needed because their overall wellbeing and ability to contribute holds equal weight to your own. And you actively help them sharpen tools to traverse trails towards actualizing their highest potential even at personal sacrifice because inner abundance flows from self-watering relationships.

Assess whether care shown appears to ebb and flow like fickle tides or flows steadily forward like rivers despite external storms. Deeper currents reveal primary priorities and values – or lack thereof – at play.

Communication During Conflict Distinguishes Maturity & Priorities

Interactions when tensions inevitably mount most spotlight deeper maturity and priorities held between bonds. Whether escaping discomfort remains the goal or relating authentically enough for reconciliation.

Lust avoids dealing directly with conflict 

You deny brewing problems in the first place. When confronted explicitly, quick topic changes steer around discomfort. Sulking, passive aggression or abrupt disappearances manifest when disagreements persist. Immature defenses aimed at self-preservation dominate relating strategies, dodging vulnerability.

Love leans into tensions courageously 

You first calmly validate their feelings from a place of compassion. Then hug them reassuringly while asking gentle but direct questions – seeking root issues bothering them beneath any superficial dramas presenting initially on top. Making space for both perspectives before collaborating on compromises that nourish both spirits long term counts most. For resilient relationships don’t side step hard dialogues but dig behind defenses protecting the beloved treasure love promises.

Assess whether tense conversations unpack painful points needing healing or avoids unpleasantness at all costs – even that of authentic emotional intimacy required between partners.

Envisioning Futures Forecasts Foundations Supporting Longevity

Imagining tomorrows together forecasts whether existing framework can withstand time’s natural wear and tear on partnerships pursuing depth not just chemistry.

Lust loses interest when fantasy and excitement wanes 

While sexual chemistry may have initially magnetized you swiftly together between the sheets, boredom brews as domestic duties divide silent evenings and communication lacks beyond arrange hookups and romantic escapes briefly diverting attention from accumulating angst and unmet core needs tearing slowly but inevitably at delicate seams holding barely more than entangled bodies, ready to unravel exposed as boredom’s bed death hollows out once hot hearts.

Love projects lifelong commitment fortifying foundations first 

Before cementing legal contracts, you enthusiastically brainstorm adventuring through ups and downs decade after decade because rich friendship nurtured beyond sex and established through myriad shared meaningful memories offers nourishing sustenance during diverse seasons – from playful to peaceful. Aligning values and communication binds tighter than solely great gravity between bodies ever could. For rooted seeds blooming that powerfully draw such external storms near can weather any internal turmoil by clinging to each others’ solid stewardship skills responsively honed against life’s fierce elements by now.

Take an honest assessment – does your gut sense this relationship stands sturdy enough to shelter your spirit through inevitable decades of external shifts and internal growth still to come? Honest appraisal early on saves much heartache later.

Now integrating insights from these 8 key evaluative areas, let’s condense wisdom into a simple quiz assessing your unique relationship’s current landscape.

Am I in Healthy Love or Only Lust? Relationship Quiz

Reflect carefully on the following core questions, writing down intuitive yes/no gut reactions before tallying your totals:

• Did mutual attraction escalate from zero to 100 rapidly?
• Do you focus mostly on appearances – style, status symbols, sex appeal?
• Have intense excitement/obsession or jealousy arisen?
• Are you bored discussing deeper emotional topics and life ambitions?
• Have you made big commitments without considering their needs or values?
• Does practical care waver outside fun dates/bedroom?
• Do you detour away from disagreements to avoid conflict?
• Can you envision lifelong commitment beyond sexual fascination?

If you answered mostly yes, impulsive passionate attraction may be misguiding your compass temporarily. Focus on nurturing emotional intimacy as lusty fog fades.

If you answered mostly no, authentic affection and friendship likely exist so continue building trust by making your partner feel understood, supported consistently and fully seen  beyond sexual activity alone. A thriving committed partnership with shared principles and communication feeding eternal flame!

Of course the path ahead never unfolds in simplistic, absolute ways. By illuminating core differences separating surface level lust from sustainable love however, hopefully clearer crossroads emerge as you navigate coupling’s maze.

Remember lust fulfills temporarily while lifelong love nurtures spirit. Let substantive intimacy outweigh intensity’s illusions.

Choose motivated by mutual growth  not selfish instant gratification which extinguishes swiftly.

May we relate guided by wisdom our soul signals, not simply hormones that fool us by lighting biological bonfires bound to burn bright hot and quick then fade if denied slower burning coals simmering below. The lasting warmth you truly seek awaits covered there. Unearth it patiently with someone seeking likewise sacred embers at center of life’s universe, ever-glowing purposefully as one flame finally finds home in another eternal burning boldly on as beacons meant to inspire generations thereafter.

Now venture ahead faithfully as that pure light leads compellingly once discovered fully within selves and tenderly reflected in lover’s eyes as well!