An emotional affair is a connection formed with someone outside of your committed relationship that crosses boundaries and betrays the trust of that relationship. Unlike a physical affair, an emotional affair involves becoming emotionally intimate with another person through meaningful conversations, sharing secrets, confiding in them, and bonding over common interests. While no physical intimacy occurs, the emotional investment in the outside relationship damages the primary one.

As a relationship coach with over 10 years of experience, I have seen emotional affairs become more and more common. With messaging, social media, and technology making communication easy, emotional intimacy often develops before people even realize it. However, emotional cheating can deeply hurt your partner and erode the foundation of your relationship when left unaddressed.

Here I will cover how to identify the signs, stages, dangers of emotional affairs, and most importantly, how to put a stop to inappropriate emotional connections before they spiral out of control.

What is an Emotional Affair?

An emotional affair involves sharing a deep emotional and personal connection with someone outside of your marriage or relationship. It goes beyond a close friendship into intimate territory that crosses relationship boundaries through:

• Sharing secrets, fears, and desires with the other person that you do not share with your partner
• Discussing intimate details about your relationship with the other person
• Talking or texting frequently with the other person about your day, your feelings, your life
• Looking forward to and anticipating communication from the other person
• Bonding with the other person over common passions, interests, or personality traits
• Fantasizing or daydreaming about romantic scenarios with the other person

While no physical intimacy occurs, the emotional investment and energy spent on the outside relationship detracts from the primary one. Flirting, confiding in each other, and discussing problems in your relationship builds emotional intimacy that rightfully belongs between partners.

10 Signs You May Be Having an Emotional Affair

How can you identify if you are crossing boundaries with another person? Here are 10 key signs that you may be connecting emotionally in inappropriate ways:

1. You feel more emotionally close to the other person than your partner. You bond quickly over shared passions, interests, senses of humor, or personality traits. 
2. You look forward to communicating with the other person more than with your own partner. You crave receiving texts, messages, or calls from the other person. Interacting with them becomes the highlight of your day.
3. You discuss intimate details about your relationship with the other person that you do not share with anyone else. You reveal more about your relationship struggles, sexual details, or private life to the third party.
4. You intentionally hide interactions with the other person from your partner. You delete messages or call logs. You keep the extent of communication with them under wraps because you know your partner would not like it.
5. Thoughts about the other person fill your mind when you are with your partner. During intimacy with your spouse, your mind wanders to the other person. 
6. Your deepest emotional connection and true self feels shared with the third party, not your committed partner. They see sides of you and understand you in ways your spouse does not. You open up in new ways with them.
7. In good times and bad, the other person comes first for sharing news or getting support. Whether celebrating a promotion or confiding about a tragedy, they are the first person you run to.
8. You notice yourself withdrawing physical intimacy from your spouse or partner. Less sex occurs in the relationship. 
9. You find yourself comparing your partner to the other person – and your partner falls short. You criticize your partner’s traits, habits, or appearance. The other person compares much more favorably in your eyes.
10. You fantasize or daydream about romantic scenarios with the other person. You imagine a life or future with them, not your current partner. Physical intimacy enters your imagination.

The 5 Stages of an Emotional Affair

Emotional affairs tend to escalate through stages if left unchecked. Understand these common stages so you can catch an inappropriate emotional attachment before it goes too far:

1. Sharing personal information and bonding

This early stage involves communicating frequently through messages or in person. You vent about frustrations. You open up about your childhood, passions, dreams, or the issues in your marriage. They confide in you as well to form a mutual bond.

2. Anticipating and looking forward to communication

You find yourself eager for your next interaction. You feel excited when you receive a message from them. Just communicating about mundane daily events becomes thrilling – because it’s with them.

3. Withdrawing emotionally from your primary partner

You stop sharing feelings, hopes, irritations, or your inner world with your partner. Your emotional energy gets redirected toward the other person instead. Your sexual and emotional intimacy fades in your committed relationship.

4. Dishonesty and deception

You keep communications on the down low to avoid your partner’s anger or questions. Lies get told to cover up the nature of the emotional attachment. You lead a double life to keep both relationships intact.

5. Infatuation and preoccupation

Obsessive thoughts take hold about the other person. You crave their validation, admiration, and attention. Your infatuation feels out of control. Leaving the relationship no longer feels like an option.

If allowed to build, emotional affairs ultimately change the brain’s chemistry. The stages progress as bonding hormones like oxytocin and dopamine get released, similar to early romantic love. Left unchecked, emotional affairs often transition into physical affairs or devastate relationships when discovered.

Dangers of an Emotional Affair

Beyond breaking trust and wounding a partner’s self-esteem, emotional affairs inflict damage both short and long term:

• Creates emotional distance and disengagement between spouses
• Erodes intimacy, passion, satisfaction, and communication in the marriage
• Devastates the betrayed spouse’s self-confidence and trust
• Wastes emotional energy outside of the marriage instead of investing it in the relationship
• Often leads partners to compare negatively, criticize, and even despise each other
• Leads to resentment, feelings of rejection, and misunderstanding on both sides
• High risk it will cross into a physical affair over time
• Can end marriages or lead to divorce

The intimacy void left by an emotional affair gets filled by someone else. Partners disconnect from the relationship that matters – their own. Those are difficult dynamics to reverse once betrayal has occurred.

How to Stop an Emotional Affair

If you recognize the red flags of an emotional affair in your interactions with another person, take action now before irreparable damage occurs. Here are 5 steps to end an emotional affair:

1. Evaluate your investment in the outside relationship honestly. How much of your emotional and mental energy goes toward the other person versus your partner? Does it cross boundaries or betray your partner’s trust?
2. Limit communication and interactions with the third party. Reduce contact drastically. Limit it only to essential work or family interactions if necessary. Avoid communication that feeds emotional intimacy in any way.
3. Refocus your emotional energy on your primary relationship. Date nights, intimacy prompts, engaging conversations, and shared activities rebuild bonds with your spouse. Seek counseling to identify and work through issues driving you apart.
4. Come clean to your partner. Admitting the emotional affair will hurt, but transparency paves the path to rebuilding broken trust. Provide access to your devices and accounts. Prove you have nothing further to hide.
5. Make concrete changes to reconnect passion in your relationship. Emotional affairs often stem from unmet needs for intimacy, communication, excitement, affection, or validation. Work actively to renew your relationship foundation.

Repairing the damage requires cutting contact with the outside person completely in most cases. Refocus your effort, commitment, and passion on your current partner instead. If you cannot let go of romantic feelings for the third party, professionally mediated separation or divorce may be required instead.

Recovering From an Emotional Affair

Healing after betrayal will take profound courage, honesty, and consistent effort in the months ahead. Both parties must open communication and offer each other grace. Here are tips if you hope to recover your relationship after an affair:

• Seek counseling support to facilitate difficult conversations productively
• The unfaithful partner must offer complete transparency to regain broken trust
• Talk through affairs calmly without blaming; look forward not backward
• Address the emotional needs unmet in the marriage that created vulnerability
• Make your partner a priority again; schedule intimacy prompts like date nights
• Work actively to reconnect and meet each other’s intimacy needs