Managing Jealousy in Open Relationships

Open relationships have become increasingly common and accepted in recent years. Unlike monogamous partnerships, open relationships involve intimate or sexual dynamics with more than one partner, with the consent and knowledge of everyone involved.

However, despite open relationships becoming more mainstream, they inevitably bring complex emotional challenges. Jealousy can easily arise and take hold even in the most secure and trusting open partnerships.

This comprehensive guide draws on psychological insights and experts’ guidance to provide concrete advice for effectively coping with jealousy in open or polyamorous relationships.

Examining the Roots of Jealousy

Before attempting to manage jealous feelings, it’s helpful to understand what tends to trigger them in the context of non-monogamy. As a natural reaction to perceived romantic threat, jealousy likely stems from evolution. Not that long ago, losing a mate could severely impact one’s ability to reproduce and survive.

As psychologist Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, explains:

“Jealousy serves an evolutionary purpose. It alerts us when a rival threatens a valued relationship, so we are motivated to take action to protect it.”

While this instinct once served an important purpose, today jealousy causes unnecessary misery. Common situations that can ignite jealousy in open relationships include:

• A partner becoming closer with another lover and fearing displacement
• Worrying certain needs that only your partner meets will now go unfulfilled
• Encountering constant reminders that your partner also shares intimacy outside the primary partnership
• Lacking confidence, high self-esteem, or security in attachment to sustain non-monogamy

However, jealousy differs profoundly from envy in its emotional roots. As Dr. Sheff notes, “Jealousy says ‘I’m afraid I’m going to lose what I have’ while envy says ‘I wish I had what they have.’

Healthy Strategies for Coping With Jealousy

If jealousy encroaches on your open relationship, first reflect inward. Ask yourself thoughtful questions to uncover the true roots of jealous feelings, rather than making reactive choices.

“Jealousy can seem irrational, but it always stems from some underlying emotional need,” says intimacy coach Marisa Peer.

After self-reflection, proactively nurture behaviors and mindsets to prevent and relieve jealousy.

Redirect Attention from Fixating on Comparisons

Avoid unhealthy fixations comparing yourself to your partner’s other partner(s) – from sexual performance to attractiveness. Remind yourself each relationship meets different emotional needs.

Cultivate Personal Fulfillment Independent of Partner

Pursue meaningful individual growth and passion projects. Build your confidence rooted in your own accomplishments and talents outside any one relationship.

Allow Space to Identify and Process Emotions

Don’t bottle up difficult emotions. Make time to meditate or journal when jealousy surfaces so you can separate irrational fears from real unmet needs requiring discussion.

Set Mutually Agreed Boundaries Around Non-Monogamy

Discuss what specific relationship structures and outside dynamics would cross uncomfortable lines for either partner. These boundaries ease uncertainty.

Nurture Intimacy in Primary Partnership

Schedule dedicated periods of undivided quality time together practicing mindful presence. Display affection frequently – both sexual and nonsexual.

Cultivate Comperison Instead of Jealousy

The concept of compersion contrasts jealousy – feeling joy from seeing your partner happy with other partners.

Seeking compersion involves:

• Sharing in your partner’s enthusiasm over positive experiences with new connections
• Appreciating qualities you admire that your partner’s other partners bring out
• Avoiding viewing others’ gains through a scarcity mentality lens

While implementing coping strategies, examine if jealousy exposes unresolved conflicts. Consider openly discussing underlying worries or unmet needs straining your open dynamic or intimacy in the primary partnership.

Building Communication, Trust, and Security

Without proper mutual understanding, transparency, and trust upheld by all members, open relationship structures collapse.

To establish secure foundations:

• Maintain open lines of communication guided by respect and compassion – especially when addressing jealousy triggers
• Commit to honesty and disclosure around developing outside connections before acting further
• Respond sensitively when partners reveal vulnerabilities around jealousy
• Before entering volatile discussions, agree to deescalate heated emotions first
• Validate each other’s needs and closely listen to understand all perspectives
• Should conflicts worsen, seek counselling to unpack roots constructively

While some jealousy may always persist, following these strategies can help prevent destructive levels that erode intimacy, trust, and wellbeing. With mindfulness and mutual care, jealousy’s sting need not overpower open relationships’ fulfillment.

Additional Resources on Open Relationships:

• The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola
• The Polyamory Breakup Book by Kathy Labriola
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Freedoms in Sex & Love by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• How to Identify Toxic Behaviors