Well hey there mamas! It’s me, your resident potty training flub queen, back again with another mortifying story time! If you need a refresher, catch up on my previous parenting meme relate-fest here – don’t worry, I’ll wait! 🚽
Now who’s ready for some freshly brewed awkwardness straight from my DIY bathroom? Witness me proudly squatting bare bottomed behind this plastic potty training toilet as we speak actually!
That’s right – the potty training chapter is still very much NOT closed for poor miss Evelyn my toddler. But when is it ever actually “done” with tiny terrors hellbent on embarrassing us daily? Through blended meals…solid snacks…now onto solids! What a magical journey. 💩
Pull up a cushy cover (to hide stains) as I regale you with cringeworthy tales of my latest potty training fails! Think emergency room mentions and religious consults for exorcisms…
Target Troubles x 2
Listen…we were 2 solid days accident-free antes I briefly considered taking Evelyn to Target as a potty training prize. But faster than my rapidly paling face screamed “wait no!” that dreaded toddler waddle-squat-grunt materialized within seconds.
Cue hysterical screeching “No Mama I don’t have to potty!!” immediately followed by a violent deluge of disagreements flooding through the leg holes of her Peppa Pig undies. 💩
A puddle quickly oozed through her tights as I scrabbled for emergency toddler wrangling position. Middle of the LEGO aisle, people! My screams ricocheted to gather quite the pile-on audience reaction. Mortification pinballed rapidly as baby wipes materialized to staunch stinky flow dreams…
But that horror show was just the potty training baptism into Target troubles! Yesterday my sweet darling decided to bless the literal checkout conveyor belt with half-chewed goldfish crackers and a sprinkle of tinkle for good measure! Consider us banned and housebound for the foreseeable future. 🙃🛒
Naked & Not Afraid
At my mom group’s suggestion, we committed to a full “naked weekend” approach to speed up potty comprehension. Seemed sage enough! Except the only thing speeding was my full body sprints chasing a very nudist toddler from room to room shrieking with glee!
Evelyn gladly allowed “accidents” to transpire every 3 feet as she wall-twerked, furniture humped and floor-scooted like a canine marking new territory across every surface. I was fully convinced I married a golden retriever puppy by Sunday cleanup number 20 post floor-pee. Consider all interior hydrating DONE for the next decade plz…🙏
Mopping pee puddles turned sprints sliding socks across slippery surprise splatterings turned into weird Olympics-style events featuring very much bronze medal performances! But thank god we have hardwood. RIP future carpet dreams…💧
Magic Carpet Obliterations
HA. HAHA. Hilarious foreshadowing there seeing as the very NEXT weekend after a 2 hour successfully dry spell, I glanced away for 60 seconds during Paw Patrol time. Only to hear “uh oh accidents!” from the previously innocently smiling almost-cherub known as my spawn…
Whipping around, I spotted The Damage: a proud sprinkle of full blown bowel movements directly smack in the middle of my cream shag rug!!! 💩
No praise or presents or peppa pig promises could undo the trauma now seared cornea-deep after witnessing that cranberry sauce special staining pristinely into my previously posh carpet!
So now we’re Rippping up floors this weekend to be replaced with…what do you think? Industrial-grade rubber? Steel enforced linoleum? Toddler-proof welded plastic? Lock us down harder than suburban bathroom stalls, people!
And to think the pediatrician promises she will in fact some day past the age of 32 stop wearing diapers and peeing freely wherever the grass seems greener. I might need to call a priest for the strength to soldier on with exorcism-level potty training meanwhile…🙏
So tell me – what baby biohazard incidents have baptized your baseboards or befouled your bathmats this week? Misery absolutely needs company down in this potty training cesspool so please do share! First round of cleanup wine is on me (aged 18 years for sanity preservation)…🍷